Posted by Declan McCullagh

(AP Photo/Peter Morrison)

news analysis Whatever happened between Tiger Woods and his wife last Friday, by now they're probably wishing they never talked to the police.

The initial reports said Woods lost control of his Cadillac SUV outside of his home and hit a fire hydrant and tree in his neighbor's yard. His wife, Elin Nordegren, reportedly told local police that she was in the house and, according to the police chief, “came out and broke the back window with a golf club” to extricate her husband.

But TMZ.com reported on Monday that Woods' wife told a different story to Florida state troopers that involved her searching for him in a golf cart, and that there was no blood on the steering wheel. That opens the couple up to the possibility of an investigation of spousal abuse on the possibility that the injuries were suffered before his accident; TMZ claims the Florida Highway Patrol is seeking a search warrant after Woods turned them away from his home three times. (Here's Woods' statement, and a CBS News report about an alleged other woman.)

Let Tiger and Elin's encounter with the local constabulary be a warning to you: Don't talk to the police without your lawyer present. Even if you're innocent. Just don't.

This advice may seem counter-intuitive. But before you convince yourself I'm wrong, it's worth watching this video (below) by James Duane, a professor at the Regent University School of Law in Virginia Beach and former criminal defense attorney, who makes precisely this point about your Fifth Amendment rights. (Here's a rebuttal from a police officer who agrees.)

One reason is that the list of what is and what isn't a crime has grown so long that even lawyers can barely figure it out. The American Bar Association has only an estimate of how many crimes exist: Offhand, do you know what is and isn't legal? Another is that, if the police already have a sufficient reason to arrest you, you're not going to be able to talk your way out of it.

Plus, the recollection of police officers can be mistaken; they may say you acknowledged guilt of some sort. Who do you think a judge will believe? The Innocence Project reports that: “In about 25 percent of DNA exoneration cases, innocent defendants made incriminating statements, delivered outright confessions or pled guilty.”

The folks at Flex Your Rights, a non-profit group, have put together a less lawyerly, more comprehensive video titled: “BUSTED: The Citizen's Guide to Surviving Police Encounters.” And of course, when dealing with federal police, telling them any “materially false” statement is a federal crime.

It's one thing if you call the police if, say, your wallet is stolen. But when they initiate the conversation and you may be a suspect, it's rarely in your best interests to talk. Just don't.

Because Tiger Woods' wife chose to speak with police, now she and her husband have become (at least if you believe TMZ) the focus of an criminal investigation. Remember, you have the right to remain silent. Use it.

Now wouldn't this be more fun than watching the usual talking heads on Entertainment Tonight and CNN? Here's a purported Chinese news report on Tiger Woods domestic spat, complete with animation that renders the incident like a cutscene in "Final Fantasy VII." And yes, the golf club part is included.

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Kieran: I have to say that this site is awesome and has kept me entertained on my time off from work. keep it up.

Spokane Mary: Just want to tell you that your blog is like having a whole banana split for dessert – fantastical.

Mandy: I just wanted to tell you that I love the site(s). Makes me smile and makes my day everyday. Better than master card, I never leave home with out my daily dose.

Jason: great site! every post so far looks right up my alley.

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Howard D: Very nice selection of stuff. My compliments to the chef!

Steve M: I just wanted to say thanks for making me laugh every day. I have been a loyal follower for about a year now. Thanks for scouring the web so I don’t have to!

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Arjay: Just wanted to let you know I follow your site every day. It’s nice to have something to laugh at after being on a call center phone all day.

Terry: I enjoy your site and visit it every day. Keep up the good work.

Mathias: thank you for your blog, it’s nice, humouristic serious and inventive. i go to see it everyday with pleasure. Thank you for your work.

Myra: I just wanted to let you know that I do not smile easily, but your site truly brightens my day, and as such I added you to my site.

Charles Pierce, the behatted nemesis of Bill Simmons, wrote a piece for Esquire.com about covering bachelor Tiger in '97 and the golfer's not-so-secret rep as “something of a hound.” And Radaronline and USweekly report foretell more road beef coming.

TMZ (of course) reports that US Weekly has a massive interview with a woman named Jamiee (the extra “e” is for “emotionally damaged”) Grubbs, who claims she had a 31-month affair with Tiger, chock-full of texting, sexting and all sorts of other details that will most likely have Elin reaching for the irons again.

Congratulations, Rachel Uchitel. Your Google-trending will be overtaken by this Grubbs woman starting…now.

Send an email to A.J. Daulerio, the author of this post, at .

i'm a 56 year old caucasian woman and because i'm caucasian and so is the best golfer in the world's wife, he had an affair with me, too! (yea, right!)

sounds like many jealous caucasian men out there! don't like that Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the world and non-caucasian! plus, he married a beautiful caucasian woman! oh, that makes those anglo-saxon males mad!!!

they cannot beat him golfing, so they have to slander and libel and embarrass him. we get what you are up to.

The worst thing about all this Tiger Woods business is obviously the effect that it’ll have on our faces.

Tiger Woods advertises Gillette, remember. But if he’s really been having an affair with Rachel Uchitel, how are we supposed to trust him? We already don’t trust Thierry Henry (because of his handball) or Roger Federer (because his eyes are too close together) – so if we can’t trust Tiger Woods, then what are we going to do with our faces? We’ll have to grow beards, that’s what. We hate beards. Damn you, Tiger Woods.

But luckily it might not come to that. Tiger’s alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel has swung to the rescue and offered to take a lie detector test to sort this mess out.

Rachel Uchitel has every reason to be outraged by the rumours that she had an affair with Tiger Woods. Because why on Earth would she? Tiger Woods is a golfer, for crying out loud, and golfers are notoriously dull. A golfer’s every waking moment is filled with thoughts of wind speed and swing velocity and loft angle and side spin. They’re all like that bloke off A Beautiful Mind, only less gay and more interested in wearing horrible trousers all the time. Why on Earth would a statuesque beauty like Rachel Uchitel waste her energy on a golfer like Tiger Woods?

Because he’s worth a billion dollars? Oh, right. That.

But anyway, Rachel Uchitel says that she isn’t romantically involved with Tiger Woods, that she wasn’t the root cause of Friday’s Tiger Woods car crash – the one alleged to have happened because Tiger Woods’s wife discovered the affair and attacked his face with her fingernails – and that a lie detector test could disprove The National Enquirer’s claims to the contrary. The Examiner reports:

Rachel Uchitel said that she has offered to take a polygraph for the Enquirer, to prove her claims, but “they refused it. They told me it was too late and the story was running anyway… This is nothing to do with me,” she said. “We have never had an affair, and the claims we did are completely false… I am really upset about it because I am being portrayed as a homewrecker, when it simply isn’t true.”

The problem with this, though, is that The National Enquirer claims that all of its sources have been subjected to lie detector tests as well, and they’ve all passed. So clearly someone is telling porkies about this, but who?

He might be avoiding it for all it’s worth at the moment, but it seems like the only way this mess will get sorted out is if Tiger Woods decides to come forward once and for all and tell the truth behind the crash, the cause of the crash and his alleged relationship with Rachel Uchitel. He’s got nothing to be afraid of – he’s a golfer, so it’s guaranteed that everyone watching will have dozed off after his first three words and miss all the good stuff anyway. What’s he waiting for?

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Despite the fact that TMZ pays to have eyes everywhere, they couldn't actually get footage of Tiger Woods' mishap with his wife. So what did a Taiwanese news program do? They made their own.

It's a lesson news organizations should learn from here: Just make machinima reproductions of events using a Sims 3/GTA 4 style program so that your viewers can see what Tiger Woods getting bitchslapped looks like. I mean, hearing a police spokesperson relay the facts of how Tiger drove away while his wife was attacking his car with a golf club is fine, but nothing beats seeing a virtual woman smack the hell out of a car with your own eyes.

Send an email to Jason Chen, the author of this post, at .